Liberté, Egalité, Fraternité

One thing about having many strings cut at once is that you find yourself with much more liberty than you bargained for. While the opportunity to reclaim what had previously been lost is very exciting, it also seems to bring new anxieties out of the closet about who I am as a person, and if i'm growing or heading in any sort of commendable direction. Much of this personal exploration leaves me feeling like an enlightenment thinker in Revolutionary France. Some might find this feeling poetically intellectual, but I find it irritating. I'm not 13 anymore, and I should be a little more grounded any philosophies I have regarding my self.

I read once that although some people take the appearance of their 'inner child' as a sign of weakness or cowardice, that this entity should probably be given the most power to govern within yourself. Your inner child is the most unadulterated form of who you are, what you desire, how you should conduct yourself, etc. This evening I'm doing my best to listen to my inner child and come to terms with myself.
When I was young, I got anxious a lot. But one nice thing was that I never allowed myself to get backed into a corner. The negativity was always vanquished, the positives were always brought out, and the self-affirmation was never far from reach. I was always content to be myself and do as I chose. Now I feel embarrassed or ashamed of what I would choose to do, as if it's not substantial enough. I should have more to show, but am I using the right criteria? I know I'm not but I can't help myself.
I used to make art, I used to make music, I used to make laughter, I used to make things happen, I used to make myself untouchable, I used to make ordinary into extraordinary. I used to make beautiful things, or at least I thought so.
Now everything looks ugly, and try as I might, they don't look the way I'd like them to. This is by no means a dismal outlook on things, it's just the truth.
I feel as if I need more time to re-grow whatever's been rotting off, but I can't find the time. No time.

Finding Austin, Texas Through the Eyes of Another

The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes

Marcel Proust

Deep down, I've known all last year that I wasn't giving Austin the chance it deserved. Up until the move to college, I had set a precedent for being a conquerer of cities and I'm ashamed I haven't taken this opportunity to live up to the self-bestowed name. By "conquerer of cities" I guess I mean that any time I spend a long enough period of time away from home I do my research on where I'll be and I mentally tab places to see and go, things to do, etc.
My first night in my dorm last year was awful. I moved all my stuff in, but Reema hadn't come yet, so I stayed up most of the night unpacking and trying to clear away any clutter. When I finally ran out of things to keep me busy I kind of broke down and cried a LOT. Not like, girlish sobbing but actual shrieking and wetness. I cried myself to sleep.
Now that I've distanced myself from my chaotic depression, I think that this time was different because I knew I was having to make a home for myself in a whole new place whereas before it was temporary. And being housed in a different city is a lot different from feeling at home there. Austin had nothing I needed for my home. Home was with my boyfriend, my best friends, my dog. Home was where I knew where things were. I knew how to get places and where to go. I had places that I went.
My home things still haven't relocated to Austin, but things have looked up. I have an excellent roommate, and a seemingly lovely apartment into which I am way ready to move. So until my home things can get here, I've decided to make a more pronounced effort to Make Do & Mend - explore Austin and find the beginnings of ahome.
Today on facebook, a girl was in Austin visiting someone and put up an album of their shenanigans. And even though I recognized everywhere that she was, it looked different when it was new to her. More novel, I suppose. I found it appealing again and I was excited to explore. So after I'm all moved in, I think I'll make a tab-page on here of things I'd like to see or accomplish in ATX. I'm excited to follow through on it this time!
It's interesting how a pair of fresh eyes can change your perspective..

Memories for Sale - How Much are Yours Worth?

Photo Credit Jeneill De Jesus

The other day my trip to Curiosities with Jeneill reminded me of a fascination I have with old photos. I first noticed the baskets and bowls and drawers and piles of old photos, postcards, and personal letters for sale atUncommon Objects. I'm sure they're everywhere, but the ubiquity of them at Uncommon Objects caught my attention.
I kept having the urge to buy some, but every time I started to flip through them I would stop and wonder why I would want these. Doesn't it seem a little odd (perhaps almost morbid) to purchase something as personal as family photos or letters when you know nothing about the people in them or the context in which they were created? I know this would probably be an anthropologists dream, to just horde  these things and examine them. But alas, I am not an anthropologist.
Part of me completely romanticizes the entire endeavor by reasoning that I would buy these photos and ponder the lives of the people in them, creating a new past, present, & future on their behalf. I can bestow my own sentimental value upon them. The other part of me thinks that only the loneliest people would want to surround themselves by strangers.
Then I wonder how the subjects of the photographs would feel. Knowing that the memories of them have been abandoned, perhaps unwittingly or unwillingly. Knowing they are forever anonymous. And how does one put a price on these things? To say that you shouldn't buy them is like saying they're worthless, yet how can you give it value if you know nothing about it?
How much is a memory worth? Is there any value in a paper relic of another person's past if you don't know anything about it? SHOULD I BUY THESE OLD PICTURES?

Pole Dancing Perspectives

So a while ago my friend Eryn bought a Groupon for 3 pole-dancing lessons for a really great price, and I totally copied because it sounded like possibly the best idea in the world. Today was our first class! And my mind is like blown. After my first class, I wouldn't say I did very well but I am very enthusiastic. A lot of people seem to have the trouble of being too oily and slipping, but I feel like my hands and body were too dry! I felt like I wasn't as smooth as I could have been. Eryn said over lunch that she thought I looked graceful and she felt that she was all over the place, but I thought Eryn looked way more polished than I felt. Either way, it was bundles of fun!
Physically
When watching stuff like that, I obviously have the capacity to acknowledge that it must be difficult. After actually doing it, I was totally marveling at the fact that to do this, you're essentially supporting yourself on a pole using your arms and not much else. It's super great for toning and creating upper-body strength. Moving in pole dancing requires command and control over every little bit of your body to achieve the desired aesthetic. You can't just wave around do things really fast, it's all about being slow, steady, and subtle. It's incredible. 14 years of ballet definitely makes a person pay attention to detail when using the body, but I honestly feel that this is at least 5 times more intense.
Also, since I'm not used to it yet, it kicked my ass. My legs and feet bruised just a few hours after class and  the skin on my forearm is tender (BUT THAT'S BECAUSE I'M SO ASHY. UGH).
Mentally
I think my favorite part surprise about pole dance is that it's a very real exercise for a lot of psychological inhibitions. The sensual side of pole dance encourages you to own your femininity and not be shamed into hiding your sexuality. What's especially good is that you're not encouraged to be slutty, but to be sensual; to understand your body and to understand the difference. You're embracing yourself as a woman and essentially celebrating by dancing with yourself. The physical side of pole dance, to me, is a metaphor for kind of just letting go and having trust in your self and your judgement. In class today, we were beginning our first trick pretty quick into class, and I get the feeling that there isn't a trick that doesn't involve leaving the ground or taking hands off at one point, etc.
Look at what I can make my body do. Look at what I'm capable of making my body do. Think of what else I'm capable of - body & mind.Being afraid to make the jump won't help you here, and it won't help you anywhere else either, and this is a way your confidence can be validated. As I type this, it sounds super bull-shitty and stretched but that's really how I felt after my experience! Leaving class I felt, aside from excited, kind of calm because I just showed myself that I could do something I definitely thought I wouldn't be able to do. And it's a good feeling to have underestimated yourself like that.
Research
So after all of this, in true Rory Gilmore fashion I had to do some research. I started because I was already sad that I wouldn't have this particular class available to me when I moved back to Austin, so I started looking for opportunities in Austin. The lovely city did not disappoint and I found some very exciting new prospects. I also found that I think I have the right idea with this whole mental thing. The art of pole dance can be made a tool of empowerment and doesn't just have to be used to objectify. The women who own and instruct these studios are amazing! My instructor today is a teacher and a motivational speaker (and she also wore these huge-ass earrings while she danced. very impressive all alone). A woman in Austin was in the U.S. Army, worked for NATO, and is crazy for extreme sports. All that and she owns a studio and heads a pole dance performance group. A woman in Colorado has a Ph.D. in psychology and was a member of the Joffrey Ballet before she started her studio!
SO MUCH EMPOWERMENT! I'm just really impressed.
I don't really feel that this post did justice to my experience. Anyway, I'm very excited about what happened today and I am not looking forward to how sore I will be in the morning.

A Letter of Introduction

This is actually pasted directly from the About page that I just made, but I feel that it is an appropriate beginning to a blog, and therefore I am doubling it.
Who am I?
My first name is Stephanie, my middle name is Nadine. My mom tells me that I'm named after strong women (not her). She reasons that you can stretch my great-grandmother's name, "Fanny" to be included in "Stephanie" and my middle name is taken, no stretch, from my grandma and big-time hero.
In body, I am 19. In soul, I am beginning to suspect that I'm at least 40. Not only have I recently decided that Bingo and knitting are the best pursuits of my time, but I keep finding myself watching shows with at least one story arc that includes a cougar. I'm reconciling myself with these facts, and I'm just going to deal with it.
Why am I here?
As I am about to enter my second year of University, I'm entering a whole new domain: my own apartment. Moving out of dorms and moving away is going to be very exciting for me, and I'm sure it's going to bring many new challenges. I'm going to be solely responsible for cleaning for myself, cooking for myself, and most importantly - living for myself!
In addition to my personal musings and rants about whatever crosses my mind, I hope to supplant this blog with my ventures into super cool & hip domesticity. I want to watch myself grow up, in short.
Fun Facts, to decide if you'd like to stay:

• I'm sorry that Alexander McQueen died, but that is no reason for everyone to embrace those shoes that turn women into a human-lobster mutant hybrid.
• I speak of my dog just as fondly as I speak of my best friend. Teddy is a french toy poodle and he is very opinionated. He also thinks he's the shit when he gets to wear a sweater.
• I'm currently a government major, but my deepest desire is to be an event planner. If you have any suggestions on how to feed both desires or if you would love to give me a job, I'M OPEN TO IT ALL.
• A very large part of my  year consists of planning and brainstorming ideas for festivals of whimsical events I put on with my friends called paloozas.
• I'm a big-time believer in Southern Hospitality.
• I take a lot of pictures of hamburgers. They're so good, omg.
• My defensive method in argument is to usually make a seemingly logical argument of lots of things that don't make sense until I leave you dumbfounded. Then I seize my victory.
• I'm a big believer in books. If I can't have a book to about it from, I don't feel as comfortable proceeding with my plan. It can always be looked up, and you can always find a reference to literature anywhere. I believe knowing the cultural significance of such references is important. Reading between the lines with these things is key to getting the big picture.
• I'm a mixed baby: white/taiwanese.
• I'm a musician and I love playing piano. That being said, I'm also a big fan of Weezy.